|New England's Most
Popular Justice of the Peace/Clergy
BLUNDERS, BLOOPERS & MISHAPS
By Honorable Reverend Dennis James Robinson
Here it is. The
article you have all been waiting for. After a few years of writing for several bridal magazines on
various aspects of the wedding business, I finally have
succumbed to the pressure of publishing an article about my most
bizarre weddings, happenings, requests and down-right strange
circumstances that surround the sacrament of getting married.
There are hundreds, but my documentation this writing
will be a few of the tops, and not in any particular order:
WHIRLPOOL BATH WITH ORANGE JELLO
have read right. Several
years ago, I received a call from a New York couple that wanted
their wedding to be a very private one.
They told me that they were the only attendees and were
staying in a luxury suite of a major Boston Hotel.
They told me nothing, just to keep it simple, selecting
vows over the telephone.
I arrived at the hotel, the Concierge called the room, validated
my name and arrival time and put them on the phone to me.
I wrote the floor and suite name down and proceeded up
the elevator. Getting
off the elevator, I could smell the scent of candy or some
reasonable facsimile. When
I knocked on the door, both voices said Come right in, its
open. I walked
in and to my astonishment they were in a whirlpool bath filled
with orange Jell-O.
I said, Whats going on in here?
They said that they were executives for the Jell-O
Corporation and it was their fantasy to get married in it.
They had talked about it throughout their courtship and
decided that this was how they would exchange their vows.
I said Do I
have to get in with you?
NO. Do you
at least have bathing suits on?
Just for the ceremony only, they said.
As I left, I knew that this would be one for the books,
as I smelled like Jell-O for three days.
a wedding last year, I had met with the bride and groom about
six months before their wedding and they selected a full
ceremony to be held at a very popular Chapel in the Newport
area. Having not
seen the bride and groom for six months, you sometimes forget
what they look like when they get to the rehearsal or the
wedding day. This
particular bride was not a good planner for wedding details and
forgot to book me in for a rehearsal; subsequently I had two
other rehearsals that evening of the planned one for her.
I talked with her wedding planner and told her she would
have to run the rehearsal herself. And all went well. Standing
outside the Chapel waiting for the bride, was a sexton, the
photographer, myself and the driver of the grooms limo.
As the bride exited the limo, my mouth dropped open when
I actually saw her popping out of her dress!
I could not remember her being quite that big when she
was at home. Of
course, it now was quite apparent that she was the recent
recipient of a breast augmentation.
Even more impressive were the flowers that the driver
took out of the trunk of the limousine.
What a fabulous bouquet.
Roses, Fiji mums, Japanese orchids.
I had never seen a bouquet that beautiful.
I said to the bride, Those are beautiful.
Are they real? She
responded without losing a beat.
Why, no. I
just had them done two months ago, Reverend. Do you like them? I
looked at the sexton and said:
Was it me? She
said "Reverend, don't even go down that road.
She doesn't get it and it's not worth you even
discussing it with her. As she is so enamored with them, she can think of nothing
a wedding in Boston a few years ago, I married two blind people
who just happened to have as the Maid of Honor and Best Man,
their Seeing Eye dogs. All
was going well until the dogs seemed to have fallen in love also
and were starting to get a little overly friendly with each
realizing what was going on around them I said:
"I think your attendants are starting the honeymoon
without you. They
both immediately tightened he leashes and pulled the dogs apart
from one another. We
went on without incident.
been warned by the groom that his ex-girlfriend was insanely
jealous and was planning to disrupt his wedding, I was on the
lookout for something to happen during the ceremony.
Overlooking a beautiful golf course from the patio, the
ceremony was going along well until I asked the bride if she
took this man to be her husband.
Before she could answer, I heard an I DO coming
from the fairway of the golf course.
I turned around and saw a lovely young lady in a white
dress holding dandelions in her hand like a bouquet.
The guests could not see her because they were seated,
but she kept running around the fairway appearing and
reappearing every few minutes.
The groom was horrified and after the ceremony everyone
was running around looking for her, to no avail.
Her parting shot was to climb on top of the limo, which
was unattended at the time, and proceeded to squirt lighter
fluid all over the trunk and hood, spelling I LOVE YOU on it and
lit in on fire. That
was my queue to leave as I thought that I would be next.
I never heard from any of them again.
|WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND?
groom was so in love with his girlfriend that he kept staring at
her throughout the ceremony.
She also had quite a low cut dress on as well, and when I
told him to repeat after me he responded:
I take you to be my wife and my BREAST friend,
instead of BEST friend. The
audience was hysterical. All
I could say was: I
am glad that's your mistake and not mine.
|THAT'S NOT MY NIECE
years ago I pulled up to a very popular Chapel in Massachusetts
that averages about five weddings a day.
At 9:30 in the morning with a 10 o'clock start, two
women were having coffee and bagels in the parking lot.
They said: Is
the wedding starting now?
I said, Very shortly.
They proceeded to put their coffee away and rushed into
the chapel. Not
recognizing anyone in the audience or even the parents as they
came down the aisle, they were looking at each other in
puzzlement. As the
bride proceeded down the aisle, they looked at each other and
said: That's not my
course they were at the wrong wedding but they cried all through
the ceremony as if they were paid wailers.
After, they approached me and said:
Is there another wedding here today?
I said that the next one starts in 45 minutes.
That must be our wedding they said and had to go out and
get more tissues from the car to prepare for another round of
|BABY, BABY, BABY
June I married a lovely couple with only three guests
bride was at full term of her pregnancy and wanted to be
married before the baby came.
We set a date and location.
At the ceremony, the bride was gasping for air
and breathing quite heavily.
I married them at 1:30 in the afternoon.
On the way to their dinner destination, the bride
told the driver to head straight for the hospital.
She had the baby at 3:10.
One hour and ten minutes after I pronounced them
husband and wife.
|THE BIKER AND THE STRIPPER
groom came to the wedding with a 45-motorcycle escort and the
bride, who was an exotic dancer, came with a 200-motorcycle
escort. She, however, sat in a sidecar with her rather racy wedding
dress on. Her veil
was sticking up straight in the air pulling up to the chapel.
When I asked her if she took this man to be her husband,
she immediately pulled on this zip away or pull away dress like
she was going to do her act, and she said:
Yes I do baby.
No one was taken aback considering their reputations, but
I told her to put the dress back on so I could finish the
ceremony. She had
planned on it anyway, but wanted a little bit of shock value.
All I could do was put my hand over my heart like Fred
Sanford used to do having one of his patented heart attacks.
|I'LL JUMP, I SWEAR
married on boats seem to be very popular these days, but for me,
the time spent on a full four hour cruise is not worth the
valuable time lost on other weddings that day.
One groom said to me that he would have the boat go out
in the harbor and then return and drop me off so I could honor a
wedding to take place two hours later.
After the ceremony, the boat started heading out to sea.
I immediately climbed up on the bridge and told the
captain he was making a mistake.
That I had 245 people waiting for me at a Unitarian
Church in Boston. I
was supposed to be dropped off after the ceremony.
He said that no arrangements were made to do so.
I told him that if he didn't turn this boat around that
I had no recourse but to jump into the harbor and swim ashore.
I grabbed a life preserver and put it on.
He said that he would have to bill the bride and groom an
additional $200 for a docking fee.
I told the groom that he should have made the necessary
arrangements and that I would rather drown than to let 245
people think that I was out cruising around the harbor with
them. To this day I
swear I would have jumped and faced the consequences, than to
miss someones wedding on a broken promise.
are so many incidents that have happened over the years and
after over 3,400 weddings you expect things to happen.
Some stand out more than others, but I honestly feel that
I have one of the most exciting jobs in the world.
Ninety-eight percent of my weddings are just normal
people with normal lives and backgrounds.
The strange ones are the ones you remember for quite some
time. I have shared
these moments with you for entertainment only and wish you a
wonderful wedding and a happy, healthy life together.
a Wedding Officiant
Family Medallion - Everybody Got Married